


Always In The Wrong

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:43:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9913835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara is tired of being the one who is always in the wrong





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I bit my lip, my hands clutching the edge of the desk so hard that my knuckles were turning white. I was furious, but I wasn’t going to cry, and especially not in front of Tommy. I had shed too many tears over him, and I wouldn’t be wasting any more.

“You have to tell me what you are thinking.”

I looked across at Tommy, the tears even more determined to fall now.

“I don’t have to tell you anything.”

Tommy looked as if I had slapped him, but I didn’t care. I was hurting, and like a wounded animal I was lashing out. I knew that I needed a timeout, that I needed some air. I got up and made my way out of his office, through the communal area and out into the car park.

I rested my back against the rough brick of the wall. Despite my best intentions, the tears were beginning to flow. Sometimes I hated this place, I hated everything about this place, and right now that included Tommy, because, however much I loved him, I really despised him at the moment.

On Monday we had been working with Surrey Police on a people trafficking case. I had taken exception to the way a detective sergeant had treated a scared and vulnerable woman during an interview, and had told him so. The next thing I knew I had been reported to Hillier.

Things had come to a head this morning. Tommy had disappeared for an hour and then, when he had returned, I had been summoned to see Hillier and informed that there was going to be an official reprimand on my file. It didn’t matter what I said, what reasons I gave for my actions, he wasn’t budging. I left his office feeling hurt and betrayed.

So here I was, standing out in the freezing cold, tears streaming down my face, trying really hard to pull myself together so that I could go back into the office. I was so angry I was shaking. I wanted to punch someone, shout at someone, but I knew that it would do no good.

I had been through this all before, but I thought that things were different now that I was partnered with Tommy. I didn’t think that I was perfect, I wasn’t deluded, but things weren’t always my fault, and on this occasion they definitely hadn’t been. I was so very tired of it all. 

I swiped angrily at my eyes with a scrap of tissue I had discovered lurking in my trouser pocket, before turning and heading back inside. Deliberately avoiding Tommy, I sat at my desk, opened a blank Word document and began to type.

Twenty minutes later I slipped into Tommy’s office while he was away from his desk and left a large envelope addressed to him. I then collected my belongings and left.

Dumping my coat and bag on my kitchen table, I bent down and pulled the phone cable from the wall socket. I knew that once Tommy looked at what I had left him, he would try to get in contact with me and I had no desire to see him or speak to him.

I went through to the bedroom and toed off my shoes, before stripping down to my undies and climbing into bed. I pulled the duvet up over my head, buried my face in the pillow and waited for sleep to claim me.

I woke to a loud hammering on the front door. I chose to ignore it; I knew who was there and I still wasn’t ready to talk to him. Everything I wanted to say had been in my letter.

“Barbara! I know you’re in there. Let me in.”

I muttered, “oh just fuck off Tommy,” and held a pillow over my ears to try and block him out.

I heard a key in a lock, and then my door being stopped by the security chain. I cursed under my breath; I had forgotten that he had a key to my flat, and I prayed that the security chain would keep him out.

“Barbara!” His voice was clearer now. “We need to talk.”

“No we bloody don’t, just go away.” My voice was muffled by the pillow that I was still holding onto.

I heard the door on the chain rattle again.

“Oh, have it your own way Barbara. You know where I am when you finally decide to act like an adult instead of a spoilt brat!”

The door slammed and then there was silence. I pulled the pillow off my head, throwing it across the room.

“Fuck!”

~*~

I walked back into my office, hoping that Barbara had calmed down. I didn’t think that she was in the wrong; I also didn’t agree with the action that Hillier had taken against her and I had told him so, but it hadn’t made any difference.

As I sat at my desk I noticed a large envelope addressed to me in Barbara’s hand. I tore it open and tipped the contents out. There was a smaller envelope, also addressed to me, her work mobile, her warrant card, locker key, and a slip of paper with just five words on it; I can’t do this anymore.

I cursed loudly, snatching up my phone and calling her home number. I waited for the answerphone to kick in, but it just rang and rang. Slamming down the handset, I grabbed my coat and headed out to the car.

I brought the Bristol to a standstill next to her Astra. I hoped that this meant she was home; I didn’t fancy trekking around London trying to find her. 

When I reached her flat I knocked loudly on the door before calling her name through the letterbox. I didn’t think that she was going to make things easy; I had seen how upset she was, and her resignation had confirmed things, but I hoped that she would talk to me.

There was no answer. I fumbled in my coat pocket, retrieving my keys. A couple of years ago we had exchanged door keys in case of emergencies. Maybe this wasn’t strictly an emergency, but I was going to use the key anyway.

My entry was stopped by the security chain. I tried to reach around the door to remove it, but it was just out of my reach. Frustrated, I called to her again, becoming angry when I still didn’t get a response. Verbally lashing out, I slammed the door and stomped back to the car and drove away, my blood boiling.


	2. Chapter 2

I threw back the duvet and made my way to the bathroom, turning on the shower. As the water warmed I stripped out of my remaining clothes, before stepping into the cubicle and turning the water up to as hot as I could stand.

I was still furious; with Tommy, with Hillier, and with myself. I didn’t regret anything that I had said, nor did I regret my actions. I was just sorry that my life had had to implode quite as spectacularly as it had; although it had been a long time coming.

I knew that I was going to have to speak to Tommy eventually, but I wanted it to be on my terms, and preferably when I didn’t want to lunge across the room at him. I wasn’t sure that we would be able to salvage our friendship, but perhaps we could part reasonably amicably.

The water began to run cold, so I dived out, wrapped myself in a towel and headed back to the bedroom to dress.

~*~

I dropped my coat onto the edge of my desk before sitting in my chair. Unlocking the drawer, I retrieved the envelope that Barbara had left for me. I removed the smaller envelope and opened it, smoothing out the sheet of paper contained inside before beginning to read. The missive was brief and to the point; Barbara was resigning and taking her outstanding annual leave in lieu of her notice period. There was no warmth in her letter; no personality, no thanks and no kindness.

I knew that Barbara was upset, but I was surprised at her almost knee-jerk reaction. Normally she would take herself off to lick her wounds before coming back more determined than ever. Never in a million years had I imagined our partnership would end this way.

I slumped forward, my elbows on the desk, my head in my hands. I hadn’t meant to lose my temper with her, and I knew that it wasn’t going to have improved her mood in any way. I was disappointed that she had resigned; the only reason I was still working for the Met was because of Barbara, her friendship and her support; but it was more than that. She had hurt me when she had refused to tell me what she was thinking, normally we could discuss anything and everything. Well, nearly everything; I had yet to find the courage to tell her that I was in love with her.

My train of thought was derailed by my phone. I retrieved it from my coat, surprised to see Barbara’s name on the screen.

“Lynley.”

“Does your offer still stand?”

I gritted my teeth, fighting hard not to lose my temper again.

“What, to talk? If you want.”

“I owe you an explanation.”

“That would be nice.”

“I am sorry Sir, but I will talk to you, if you want.”

“I’m on my way.”

I ended the call and pulled on my coat before heading down to the car, the phrase ‘I will not get angry’ running through my head as a mantra.

~*~

As I waited for Tommy to arrive I tidied the flat; gathering up papers, doing the washing up, and putting away the washing. I smiled as the memory of him finding my knickers in the knife drawer flashed through my mind. I really hoped that the last words we said to each other wouldn’t be in anger.

I heard a knock on the door, much softer this time than his earlier visit and called out, “it’s on the latch,” before putting the kettle on to boil. I sensed him behind me, “tea or coffee Sir?”

He stepped closer to me, putting his hands on my shoulders and turning me to face him.

“Neither. What I want is for us to talk, and for you to explain to me why you couldn’t tell me what you were thinking. I am hurt and disappointed Barbara. I thought we were friends, I thought you could tell me anything.”

I ducked under his arms and headed to the lounge and Tommy followed me. I curled up on the couch, gesturing for him to sit next to me, relief washing over me when he did.

“Talk to me Barbara, please. Help me understand what the hell is going on in your head, because your behaviour is confusing me.”

“I thought that my resignation was self-explanatory, and if that wasn’t then my note to you definitely was.”

“Don’t play games with me Barbara; you know exactly what I am asking you to explain, I told you in the kitchen.”

“I can’t work at the Met anymore, actually, it’s more than that, I don’t want to. I’ve been living the same life for years now, it’s time to stop the ride and get off.”

“Is it me? Is it?”

“Honestly?” He nodded. “Yes, part of it is you, a small part, but a part none the less. I’m closer to fifty than I care to admit, and all I have to show for my life is this flat and the car. I’m too old to spend my days being carpeted, being punished for having a heart, for caring. It used to be enough, but not anymore.”

Tommy’s face fell, and I knew that I had hurt him again, but I wouldn’t take it back. He had asked me to be honest, backtracking wouldn’t achieve anything.

“So, this is it then? This is how our partnership ends?”

“I suppose so.”

He stood, running his fingers through his hair, and began to pace.

“And if I refuse to accept that?”

“Accept it or don’t, I’ve made my decision.”

“Does our friendship mean nothing to you?”

“Our friendship used to be the most precious thing in the world to me.”

“Used to be?”

“Used to be.”

He sank back down onto the couch, his posture screaming defeat.

“What has changed?”

“Me; I’ve changed.”

Tommy started pacing again.

“I thought that we would always be there for each other. I thought that we were unbreakable. You are the most important person in the world to me, I would do anything for you. I thought you felt the same.”

“I did, I suppose in some ways I still do, but I can’t be selfish anymore.”

Tommy abruptly sat, grabbing hold of my hands in his.

“What on earth do you mean? You’re the least selfish person I know.”

“Forget I said anything.”

“No, I won’t! I’m fighting for our friendship here. I don’t want to lose you; I won’t let you walk out of my life.”

“You have to. Working with me, being friends with me, I know how much it has cost you. Now I have the perfect opportunity to make a clean break. I need to move on with my life Sir, and you need to move on with yours.”

“I don’t have a life, not if you’re not in it.”


	3. Chapter 3

Barbara looked at me, her eyes wide. “Don’t be ridiculous!” She tried to tug her hands free, but there was no way I was letting her go.

“I’m not, I’m being honest, just as you were. I don’t have a life if you aren’t in in it. You are my life!”

“Well I shouldn’t be! For God’s sake, why won’t you listen to me?”

“I am listening to you; I just wish that you would offer me the same courtesy.”

“I would, if you were being sensible.”

“And what, exactly, isn’t sensible about what I’ve said to you?”

“That you don’t have a life without me. You were managing fine before I came along; fast track career, eighth Earl of Asherton, fine women and fine dining; you’ll manage equally well without me.”

“I was doing precisely that; managing. And then you came along, and I realised that all the things I once thought were important were anything but! You weren’t impressed by my title, or my money, or my fast track career; in fact, I would go as far as saying that you loathed all of those things with a passion. I’d never met anyone like you before; you didn’t kowtow to me, the fact that I was Lord Asherton didn’t mean you wouldn’t challenge me, or tell me that I was behaving like a complete prat. You’ve changed me, made me a better man. If it weren’t for you, well I think I would be six foot under by now after drowning in a sea of alcohol. You’re my best friend, my confidant, my reason to get up in the morning. You’re my everything Barbara. I love you.”

“You _what_?”

“Love you. I’m in love with you, and I have been for a very long time. I didn’t say anything until now because I didn’t want to risk losing you. Ironic really, if you think about it.”

“ _You_ love _me_?”

“Completely.”

“But why?”

“Why what exactly? Why do I love you? Because you are you.”

“That’s hardly a reason.”

“It is for me, but if you want me to go into detail. I love your eyes; sparkling pools of emerald green that let me see deep into your very soul, one look from you can say more than words ever could. I love your courage; you have the heart of a lioness, fighting for the right thing, no matter what it costs you. I love your personality, your snarky temper, your wit, your sarcasm, your brutal honesty. I love your compassion, your indomitable spirit, your wicked sense of humour, your playfulness, the way you mock me and tease me. I’m in love with you Barbara Havers; each and every tiny piece of you. Being in your company, it’s what I live for.”

I waited for her to come up with another excuse, another reason why I couldn’t possibly be in love with her, and was surprised when she didn’t. Her eyes flickered down to where our hands were still joined, before moving up to my face, gazing at me longingly.

“I meant what I said, I can’t go back Tommy. I don’t want to be that person anymore, the one who is always in the wrong.”

I smiled softly when she used my name, it was heaven to my ears. “No one is asking you to; and you never were that person anyway, not to me. You said that we had to move forward; I want us, no, I need us to do that together.”

“You really mean that?”

I leant forward, my lips softly brushing hers. “Yes, I mean it.”

“What about your job?”

“It means nothing to me. The only reason I came back after my spectacular fall from grace was you, if you’re not there then there is no point.”

“Hillier is going to go mental.”

“Let him; after the way he treated you this morning I don’t care what he thinks or how much trouble our resignations cause him. All that matters to me is you, is us.”

She moved closer to me, her head resting on my shoulder. “Even when I treat you like dirt?”

I lay my cheek on the top of her head, my arms sliding around her, holding her close. “You were hurting, I could see that. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you but I was scared. Everything that I hold dear was slipping through my fingers; I panicked and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for lashing out at you. And I’m sorry for taking my frustrations out on you. I’ve been in love with you for so long, but I kept it to myself. I couldn’t see how you could ever love me, not when you married Helen. She was my polar opposite, which made me everything you didn’t need.”

“No, it made you everything that I did need, that I do need. Helen was the perfect illusion; she was what was expected of me. I followed the rules, playing the game I had been brought up to play instead of following my heart.”

“And you’re following your heart now?”

“Finally, and most definitely. You are my heart Barbara Havers, and wherever you go, I’ll be there with you.”

“Me too Tommy, me too.”


End file.
